


McCOY: Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual

by SpirkTrekker42



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Character Study, F/M, Humor, Romance, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-06
Updated: 2013-04-06
Packaged: 2017-12-07 16:16:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/750469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpirkTrekker42/pseuds/SpirkTrekker42
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>CONGRATULATIONS! You are now the proud owner of a DOCTOR McCOY unit! Follow the guidelines in this manual and your McCOY will give you decades of quality performance.</p>
            </blockquote>





	McCOY: Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Karl Urban](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Karl+Urban).



Disclaimer: Kirk and Star Trek sadly do not belong to me. Gene Roddenberry gets props for creating the Trek universe and the original characters. JJ Abrams, Orci, and Kurtzman get props for redefining the Star Trek characters in the alternate universe.

A/N: The original Owner’s Guide belongs to Theresa Green. It first appeared in the LOTR fandom, but many others have used the original template in other fandoms for other characters.

After the large reviewer response to my KIRK and SPOCK models, I decided to turn my attentions to the third member of Trek triumvirate, Dr. McCOY!

Contains plenty of mentions of K/S – because if it didn’t, I wouldn’t be SpirkTrekker.  One of the most important Spirk rules is that **McCOY KNOWS!!!**

Warning:  Makes a shameless dig at Twilight!

A/N2:  This is the het version of McCoy. 

**_.~._ **

**_Doctor McCoy: The Owner’s Guide and Maintenance Manual_ **

**_CONGRATULATIONS!_ **

You are now the proud owner of a DOCTOR McCOY unit!

Follow the guidelines in this manual and your McCOY will give you decades of quality performance.

**INSTALLATION**

When you receive and unwrap your McCOY, make sure the temperature isn’t too cold.  He was born in the south, after all, and isn’t accustomed to chilly weather.  It is not necessary to remove any clothes at this time, unless you just want to.   He’s very physically fit, since exercise is an essential part of any doctor’s life.  (THIS MEANS A SIX PACK!  YUM!)  Perhaps a physical examination SHOULD be in order, just to make sure you weren’t issued a faulty unit.

Your McCOY should arrive fully assembled and charged. Please check that you have all his accessories (see below) and that you have been issued with the correct edition of the McCOY unit.

(a) McCOY 1.0 (copyright Roddenberry/Kelley, 1966)

(b) McCOY 2.0 (copyright Abrams/Urban, 2009)

 **Note:** This Owner’s Manual refers to McCOY 2.0, bearing a strong resemblance to one **Karl Urban**.

 

**TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS**

Name: _Dr. Leonard H. McCoy_

Position _: Chief Medical Officer_

Starship: _U.S.S. Enterprise_

Home Planet: _Earth_

Home state: _Georgia, not Kentucky, people!_

_Note:  Asking about McCOY’s home state is a great way to weed out people who don’t know TOS._

Species:  _Human (dammit!)_

Manufacturers: _Dr. McCoy Sr. and Mrs. McCoy_

Height: _6 ft 2 in_

Weight: _insufficient data_

Hair Color: _Dark Brown_

Eyes: _brown_

 

**OPERATING PROCEDURE**

Your McCOY unit has been designed to be user-friendly (notice I said USER friendly, and not plain friendly). His controls are voice activated. Please state your commands clearly in Standard. (If you try to speak to him in a different language, he’ll only snap, “dammit, I’m a doctor, not a linguist!”)

Remember that your McCOY is not just aesthetically pleasing; he has multiple functions.

Intelligence Quotient: 

As one of Starfleet’s most brilliant physicians, the McCOY unit’s IQ is far above average!  He can recall the scientific names of illnesses, as well as their corresponding symptoms and cures on cue.  Not only is he smart, he’s also a smart _-ass_.  He can talk circles around most Vulcans, save for the SPOCK unit, who has verbally sparred with him on a regular basis.  (The KIRK unit would say they are evenly matched.)

Combat:

Your McCOY unit is programmed with only a basic knowledge of defense. (He’s a doctor, not a professional wrestler!)  As long as he has his phaser handy, he should be fine.  However, if he ever had to, say, fight off a gladiator with only a sword for a weapon, you’re in trouble!  Call for the battle-tested KIRK and SPOCK units immediately to save his sorry ass!

Emotions: 

Your McCOY can offer the emotional point of view on any matter that happens to be troubling you.  The odds are his intuitions are right – they certainly were about KIRK and SPOCK’s secret longing for each other!  He’s a great matchmaker as well.   (KIRK and SPOCK owe him so much!)  Feel free to confide in him about any relationship problems – he’s a great listener.

Doctor’s Notes:

Need to get out of a test or skip out on a lame evening with the parents of a prospective boyfriend/girlfriend?  No problem!  Your McCOY unit can give his medical signature of approval so that no one is the wiser about you playing hooky.  Isn’t he just handy like that?  The KIRK unit certainly thinks so.  Not that he’s ever done anything of that sort…  *snort*

Complaining:

Absolutely no one is better skilled at the art of complaining than the McCOY unit.  Rooming with Jim at the Academy gave him ample reasons to hone his complaining/arguing skills.  You can learn from the master exactly how to grate on your parents’ last nerves so they will finally give you that trip to Vegas IV you’ve always wanted!

Hypos:

The McCOY unit has a large variety of hypos in his supply, and may use them at the most inopportune times (like when you’re trying to chat up a hot guy/chick).  Be sure to tell him to ask first before administering a hypo in public.   Especially if you might be allergic to it.

However, there is a silver lining to this.  The McCOY unit’s hypos cue hangovers.  The end.

 

**COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS**

You will find that your McCOY is compatible with most other humans, with his ex-wife Jocelyn being a notable exception.   If you would like to breed from him, consult the UHURA or CHAPEL model.  If you’re deluded enough to think you can make him compatible with a certain half-Vulcan, try it – I look forward to hearing from you. 

The maintenance of a McCOY unit when socializing with others is generally not problematic after the first few hours.  However, some minor adjustments might be necessary.  The McCOY model has three modes of interaction:

(a) Mildly Grumpy (for him, this is the friendly mode)

(b) Crotchety Old Man

(c) Drunk

WARNING: If you own a SPOCK unit as well as a McCOY, it is essential that both units be set to the same mode before allowing them interact. If the McCOY model is set to ‘Drunk’ while the SPOCK is set to ‘Hostile’, your doctor could be severely damaged.  (We are not responsible for any nerve-pinch induced injuries.)  Also, if this happens, don’t expect the KIRK unit to be much help.  He will be too busy laughing his ass off!

 

**ACCESSORIES**

The items with which your McCOY comes equipped depend on which edition of the doctor you have purchased.

McCOY 1.0 : Wears science blue Starfleet uniform, black pants, boots.  Saurian brandy optional.

McCOY 2.0 : Wears science blue Starfleet uniform, black pants, boots.  Comes with fully-loaded, PAINFUL hypos.

Both editions are equipped with phasers, communicators, and med-kits, as well as with considerable irascibility. 

 

**CLEANING**

Depending on the uses to which you put your McCOY, you may have to clean him on a regular basis.   Trust me, he usually enjoys this ritual quite thoroughly.

 

**LUBRICATION**

To ensure that your McCOY remains in good working order, moving parts should be lubricated regularly.

Note: If he refuses, tell him to pretend that he’s a prize stallion and that you’re his “jockey”.  That usually does the trick.

 

**RECHARGING**

After long periods of use, your McCOY’s energy levels may become depleted. Use the following procedures to recharge your CMO:

Food:

Your McCOY likes to set a healthy example for the rest of the crew and usually eats a balanced meal of grains, dairy, poultry, fruits, and vegetables.  However, I also hear from a reliable source that he enjoys southern delicacies such as grits and cornbread, as well as Derby Pie on occasion. 

Drink:

Your McCOY is too busy lecturing the other members of the crew - mainly Jim Kirk - about the benefits of drinking enough water, that he often forgets to drink enough for himself.  If he swears he’s had enough water, for God’s sake, man, GIVE HIM COFFEE!  He’s bad enough to deal with when he HAS had his coffee.  

Note:  The doctor has a fondness for Mint Juleps, and should be allowed to indulge on special occasions.  (AKA the first Saturday in May.)

Sleep:

You may be surprised by the minute amount of sleep your McCOY needs to function.  He’s had to perform 24 hour surgeries, so he’s used to not getting as much sleep as the rest of us.  However, the less sleep he gets, the grumpier he acts.  I’d recommend making him get seven hours of sleep between shifts, unless there’s a red alert.

 

**REPROGRAMMING**

It is not possible to reprogram the McCOY 2.0.  His manufacturing was flawless, as he imitates the true spirit of the McCOY 1.0 down to the last detail.  He’s amazing and deserves props!

 

**SECURITY**

Thanks to the popularity of the  McCOY unit (especially version 2.0), it essential that you observe the following security procedures for the safekeeping of your doctor.

* Have your McCOY micro-chipped.  (He can even perform the simple operation on himself!)

* Do not leave your McCOY unattended in public.

* Do not lend your McCOY to anyone (e.g. your friends Nancy Crater, Yeoman Tonia Barrows, or High Priestess Natira)

 

**FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS**

**Q:** _I have read that the_ McCOY _unit considers dating women to be a waste of his time, all thanks to his bitch of an ex-wife.  Is this true?_

 **A:**   It is true, but feel free to try and change the lonely doctor’s mind!  He’s had his heart broken, sure, but something tells me he hasn’t given up on finding love just yet.  Deep down, he’s as soft-hearted as a teddy bear!  I say, go for it.

 

 **Q:** _My_ McCOY _refuses to enter the transporter.  Have I been issued a faulty unit?_

 **A:** Your McCOY is not faulty.  Strange phobias are just a part of his charming personality(!)  If you ask politely and he still refuses to budge, inform him you’re going to have the SPOCK unit come speak with him about how illogical it is to be afraid of technology.  He’ll straighten up before he admits that the hobgoblin is right. 

 

 **Q** :  _My McCOY always has to inform my KIRK unit when one of his male patients has died.  Is there a reasonable explanation for this odd behavior?_

 **A** :   No.  “He’s dead, Jim” is one of his catch phrases.  Deal.

 

_Q:  My McCOY keeps “forgetting” to sleep between his shifts in Sickbay.  He simply refuses to leave his patients, even when I remind him he is going against Starfleet regs.  What do I do?_

A:  Tell him you’re going to mention to the SPOCK unit that the doctor has seduced the KIRK unit into cheating.  The doctor will be so frightened he will RUN to his quarters and sedate himself into sleeping. (Never mind that Spock wouldn’t believe that lie anyway… silly doctor often forgets those units are bonded and will never be parted.)

 

**TROUBLE SHOOTING**

**Problem:**   Your McCOY unit keeps baiting your SPOCK unit, calling him a ‘walking computer’ and other such trivial names.   You’ve noticed their efficiency in their jobs has begun to slip because they are just too damn busy arguing with each other.

 **Solution:**   Call for the KIRK unit to mediate.  Your McCOY won’t dare to insult SPOCK so blatantly in front of his t’hy’la. 

 

 **Problem:** Your McCOY keeps angsting over loss of custody of his daughter Joanna.  He doesn’t want to eat or work.  All he wants to do is sleep and moan about how bad of a father he is. 

 **Solution:** Locate your KIRK unit and instruct him to cheer up his friend.  Don’t worry, the KIRK unit can handle this.  It’s nothing he hasn’t cured before back at the Academy, usually with the help of a little Romulan Ale.

 

 **Problem:** Your McCOY continues to loudly sing bad 80s hits such as “Doctor, Doctor” and “Like A Surgeon” in the shower, and it’s interfering with your sanity.   You’ve asked him to STFU in the shower, but he won’t listen.

 **Solution:**   Tell him that if you’re going to let him sing in the shower, he has to read one page of “Twilight” for each time that he does it.  Your problem will be eliminated in less than a week – guaranteed!

 

 **Problem:** Your McCOY has refused to give the KIRK unit his annual exam ever since he read that book about ancient Vulcan bonding customs.   You’ve assured him that SPOCK isn’t going to go all possessive on him just because he gave said Vulcan’s bondmate a physical, but it doesn’t do any good.  According to the doctor, there’s nothing scarier than a royally pissed SPOCK.

 **Solution:**   Tell McCOY to do the physical on KIRK, and let SPOCK watch.   You never know what sort of fun times that could lead to…

 

 **Problem:** Your McCOY keeps insisting his home is a place called Edoras, not Georgia.  He loathes all pointy-eared aliens with a passion and calls them “filthy orcs” (even the SPOCK unit) and keeps spouting strange lines like  “Now is the hour! Riders of Rohan - oaths you have taken. Now, fulfill them all - to Lord and land!"

 **Solution:** You have been issued an EOMER unit by mistake, rather than a McCOY. Didn’t you notice his Starfleet regulation haircut and his medical knowledge was missing?  Hello?!  If you kept your receipt, you may be able to get a refund. Otherwise your only hope is to breed from him.  (Keep an eye out for the ARAGORN unit.)

 

 **Problem:** Minutes after you open your McCOY, your front yard becomes inundated with screaming teenage girls (as well as a few older women) wielding ‘Marry Me, Karl!’ banners.

 **Solution:** This phenomenon is not unknown with the McCOY 2.0. Take the following steps:

(1) It essential that you hide your McCOY. Do not hide him in the bedroom – it is the first place they will look.

(2) Tell the fan-girls that _The Two Towers_ is showing at your local cinema. They will soon disappear.

(3) Tell any remaining fan-girls that you have a McCOY 1.0. Most of them will lose interest since they probably have only a limited knowledge of how the McCOY 1.0 model was integral to the success of Star Trek back in the day.    Any that are left are probably quite decent people if they know anything about The Original Series. Invite them in for mint juleps and begin a discussion about whether McCOY orchestrated the KIRK unit and SPOCK unit’s epic love story.  While they are arguing, sneak out with your McCOY and head for the _Enterprise_ where the CHAPEL and UHURA units await to fuss over him.  Recommend that the doctor lay low for a few days.

 

** ADDITIONAL INFO **

For questions or concerns not addressed in this guide, please feel free to contact us at mailing address:

 

Starfleet Academy

PO BOX 1701

EARTH

SAN FRANCISCO, CA 94129

*

 THE END

A/N: Any questions, comments, concerns about the McCoy model? Review and I will do my best to answer/fix them. 

 


End file.
